Burned Up
by anonymous'writer13
Summary: Katniss has given up. Prim's death has destroyed her and her flame has blown out. Her mind and memory's blank. That is until 2 people come back determined to work together to give her the answers she needs. But Katniss will have to learn to forgive and trust, as she finds out once again that the games are never really over. My 4th installment to Suzanne Collins brilliance.
1. Players and Games

**A/N Hey guys this is my first fan fiction so i hope you enjoy.**

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Prim was destined to die. Whichever way you look at it, I volunteer for her, cause destruction so she gets killed by a bomb. Or she goes into the hunger games and is probably a bloodbath. In some ways I think the second one is the nicest. I may know that now, but it still doesn't make the pain I feel go away and it doesn't help me move on.

It doesn't bring her back.

All I can think is why? Why would anyone want to hurt one hair on that innocent little head? Karma is cruel, it took away my precious little sister the one ray of sunshine in… well everyone's life. But of course I know why. I know why karma did this. Why you may ask. Well that's simple, it was to punish me.

I was greedy. I tried to keep two people, two opposites that could have been friends had it not been for me. I led them on and kept them as close to me as possible up until the point where I knew I had to choose, but couldn't. So they chose for me. Both decided to be selfless and leave me with the other, both tried to awaken me from my dead state. Both of them I pushed away until they were both gone and I. Well I was left all alone. They may have loved me once and maybe I really did love one of them maybe I still do but it's too late, there gone and the fire in me has finally extinguished.

I didn't believe in karma or fate or destiny. That was until now.

* * *

Prim was destined to die. I thought I was destined to save her, but she couldn't be saved. So really I was destined to be alone.

It's what I'd always planned. Wait until Prim was all grown up and escape to the woods, the one place where I was truly happy. Maybe Gale would have come to, he always said he would but I knew better. He'd meet some giggly, annoying head over heels in love with him type girl and marry her, they'd start a family and I would be all forgotten about. Little did I know he wanted me. But no marriage and kids was never my plan, either I was too afraid of the reaping or just overcome with the feeling that I would be responsible for those lives. Both if I'm being completely honest. I've been responsible for so many lives I've lost count… Glimmer, Marvel, Rue, Cato, Mags, Cinna, Madge, Boggs, Finnick, Prim, all those others that I don't even know the names of… You may as well throw myself in their too because even though I'm not dead physically, I am mentally.

What I'm truly trying to say is this 'I've accepted it'. This is my fate. It's my punishment for killing all those people. I may not have actually watched them die and take their last breath but I know that they died because of me. Because I was the damn mockingjay and I started the war with those stupid berries that I never should have taken out of my pocket. I know it's selfish to say this but I think even if I hadn't rebelled I probably would still be here today. Peeta would have sacrificed himself and I'm ashamed to admit I eventually would have let him, I mean if my choice had been to go home back to district 12, back to Prim and Gale, or die I would definitely have chosen the first. But then again it wouldn't have mattered I would still end up alone. Like always. Even if the war had never happened the way it did, it still would eventually come around and then I would still have been the mockingjay. They said I was chosen, ironic really because if snow hadn't chosen me as his big 'celebrity puppet' I never would have agreed to do it. If he hadn't used me as his own personal little entertainment for the capitols enjoyment it never would have come around to bite him back in the ass. I suppose that's why I did it really, to get back at him. I always tell myself that I did it for the good of Panem but really that's a lie. District 12 was gone, Gale's and my family were safe, had it not been for Peeta's capitol imprisonment I don't think I ever really would of gave in. So yes, because Snow made me a 'celebrity' I stayed one to help punish him.

I'm still amazed that I'm such a big 'celebrity' still even though I haven't been to the capitol in over 6 months. Not since I came back with Haymitch. Mostly I just sit around, a mute, who cries all the time. I never used to cry. Some days when I look in the mirror I catch a glimpse of the ghost of the young girl who loved hunting with her best friend and loved her sister more than anything even if she did always suffer hardship that wasn't right. I'd still swap places with her any day. But she went away a long time ago and I doubt I'll ever get her back. She barely existed anyway. Greasy Sae told me that Gale got a fancy job in District 2 and even Peeta is still a big 'celebrity' now. They've all moved on with the triumph of a fairer Panem whereas I've stayed stuck in time, dwelling in the past with what ifs and what could have been. Yes the hunger games may be over now but that doesn't mean I can just forget about them despite how hard I try.

It's funny really if you think about it. How everything ended up just being a game. I always thought I was just a piece in everyone's games. The Capitol's games. Snow's games. Coin's games. All these players and I was their winning piece. From the moment I volunteered for the hunger games my life changed. I changed. Because when that arrow was released I finally realised what I'd tried so desperately to hide. Everyone was a piece in my games.

And I was the biggest player of them all

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**A/N Thanks for reading i hope you liked it. I will try to be updating at least once every few days but i'm sorry if i miss a few deadlines, i'm super review and follow and i hope you continue reading my story.**


	2. Remembering

**_A/N Hi guys so i hope you enjoy this next chapter. Sorry if i gets a bit depressing but i felt i really needed to show how katniss was feeling after everything that had happened. So enjoy!_**

_**Disclaimer: Sadly i do not own the hunger games :(**_

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_I can hear confused murmurings from the crowd. 'Why hasn't she let go of the arrow yet?' 'What is she doing?' Says the capitol, as ignorant as ever, I'd say something back but all I can do is stare at Coin. Her face trained onto mine as well, her lips forced into a thin line as if she is desperately trying to hide something. I take a quick peek at Snow, still kneeling with his hands chained up. I notice something though, on his right shoulder where the capitol symbol once shined; there's something else in its place. And suddenly I know what it is. I can feel my expression darkening, she can see it too, Coin. She knows exactly what I know, with one last glance at her once again expressionless face I make my decision. And I shoot. I'm in such a daze I can't even remember if I was aiming in the right place, but then I see them. Lying motionless on the floor surrounded by a pool of their own blood…_

THUMP! The banging makes me jump. Well thanks a bunch I think to myself, whoever this is has just taken away the one chance of me actually remembering. But I guess that's the point, they don't want me to know.

"Are you planning on getting up at all this week, sweetheart?" he slurs from outside. Haymitch. I should have known. He's the only form of life besides myself that I've seen since I left the capitol about 2 months ago, and even he only comes knocking (more like barging) round to make sure I'm not dead. I should be grateful really but I'm not, I can't feel anything other than pain. Some days I can't even feel that. I'm hollow. He thinks he's still my mentor even though The Hunger Games are no more; I can't blame him though, not really. He's just following orders. I'm still not going to let him in on that though, I won't let him have the satisfaction. I may be broken but that doesn't mean I'm not going to annoy Haymitch whenever possible. So my silence answers him.

"No…" he grumbles under his breath clearly not wanting me to hear, but I can. Haymitch has obviously forgotten my enhanced hearing due to the capitols equipment that repaired it after the first hunger games. "I didn't think so…" he finishes, still grumbling. No more knocking though.

"Hmmm….strange" I murmur." I wait for about five minutes before deciding he must have left and slowly make my way downstairs. Just because he thinks I haven't been getting up doesn't mean I haven't, better he doesn't know really he'd just make me get dressed or something. I walk into the kitchen feeling proud that I have finally succeeded in getting rid of Haymitch, well for the moment anyway. But then there he is.

Sitting at my wooden kitchen, table taping his grimy fingernails against its newly polished top. Is Haymitch. I frown, how did he even get in here? How did I not hear him, the way he must have crept through the hallway, silently treading makes me shiver. It reminds me of…. NO! Don't do this to yourself Katniss, that voice reminds me. You don't want to remember, you can't remember. Normally I'd agree but for some unknown reason I think, what if I do?

"Ehemm…" Haymitch cuts of my thoughts as I snap back to reality suddenly furious at him. How dare he, what right does he have to come into my house, practically breaking in and then act as if I'm the one who is being rude and going off into my own little world. Okay… well maybe I was but still.

"What?" I snap.

"Just came to see that you're not dead yet sweetheart. So do you really think that's the way to treat your loving and caring mentor, although I'm glad to see that you're not completely burned up after all, you've still got a spark. The girl on fire's still here, she's just been suffocated." he smirks, obviously thinking he's hilarious with that girl on fire remark.

"Hilarious," I comment dryly. "Now what's the real reason you're here?" even though Haymitch is hard to read at the best of times, I can tell he's lying. Just because I'm still classed as 'mentally disorientated' doesn't mean I'm not still someone who can sense things. I may have not set food in my beloved woods for such a long time, that I can't even remember how they smell like; it doesn't mean I'm not a hunter anymore. I can still see things that people try to hide beneath there forced exterior. I hope.

_I'm crouching in front of the fence that separates district 12 and the one place I have ever been happy in. I just hope enough lies in their still to fix me. As I'm checking to make sure I won't get electrocuted, I remember that it's legal to venture into the woods now so there's no need to be cautious. Guess old habits die hard. I still haven't crossed the line, why haven't I? It's like my feet won't work, embedded into the ground, stuck. I stare through the barbed wire longing to be on the other side of the fence but I know I can't. Yet another piece of me that I've lost, the woods may be near but to me they've never felt further away. There gone, just like him. Just like them._

I look up to find Haymitch staring at me quizzically, I'm about to glare back when I realize why he's doing it. I was off again, off in my own world of make-believe. Or is it? Because honestly I'm so lost that I can't even remember what's real or not anymore. I feel like I've been hijacked myself, mixing up memories and imagination. Was that a memory or just completely made up. I just don't know anymore.

Suddenly I remember my question. "Well?" he must know what I'm talking about. The guilty expression that graces his is screaming that something's not right. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I'm starting to get impatient.

"**HAYMITCH**….. Tell me!" I don't think I've ever seen Haymitch lost for words before. But it's not long before he finally does find the words to explain.

"Your mothers dead." He says.

Far to blunt for my liking; but then again Haymitch never was one to consider my feelings.

* * *

I shouldn't care. But I do. I haven't seen her since we started planning the memorial, the memorial that she never attended. It's one of the only things I can clearly remember, one of the only things I'm certain of. The row we had, the one with no words. The blame that was thrown around. She'd always loved Prim more than me; I always believed it was because I shut her out after my father's death, when she went AWOL from our lives. Of course she eventually came back from her dead state, but not fully and I think that's why I never really connected with her again; I couldn't forgive her. I was always scared she would leave again, that she would leave us by ourselves for good this time. But Prim, well Prim was just her sweet, caring and forgiving self. To be honest she was so young when our father died that she probably didn't even understand what had happened. She got to stay innocent, but I grew up without having a childhood. I am happy that I gave Prim those few extra years to be a child, but I do wish that it could have been the other way around. If it was Prim that was the older sibling, the sweet 16 year old that she would have been, well she wouldn't have messed it all up like I did. She would still be alive. And I would have been the one dead. That would have been better for everyone, especially my mother. Because I saw it, I saw it in her eyes that day I volunteered for Prim at the reaping. Relief. Relief that it was me going into the games and not her precious daughter Prim. She was happy that her favourite child would still be with her, whilst her cold and unforgiving one was being sent to her death. But I won. And Prim still died, so then again when we're planning her memorial I saw something else in her eyes.

Hatred. Hatred meant for me who killed her good girl, and left her with me. We couldn't comfort each other, we couldn't even speak. Our grief overwhelmed us and she left. She left me by myself, alone with no family at all. No one to love. I have nothing, no one. I remember pretty much everything except one week of my life, one week that I must now to be able to carry on. To fill in the missing blanks in my memory. But no one cares. Not even my mother. So what's the point? She killed herself to be with Prim, so I've decided.

I want to be with Prim too.

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**A/N Do you think katniss will go through with it? Is there really something wrong with her memory? And what did she see on snow's shoulder? I know there's a lot of unanswered questions but all will be revealed soon. Please feel free to take some guesses as i haven't got it all completely worked out yet and would appreciate some suggestions.**

**Again sorry for it being a bit depressing. And yes i know no Peeta or Gale. Yet. If things go well they should appear in the next chapter. Please review. Thanks.**


	3. Darkness

**Yes, I know its taken me over a week to post this. So sorry guys, but i hope you enjoy this chapter and i can promise that Peeta and Gale do appear.**

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I wake up, a tangle of sheets in an unfamiliar bed. Instantly confused, I remember. My mother's house. I've been in district 4 for 2 days now, arranging things. Well, actually Haymitch arranged them I just mumbled some things about flowers before sinking back down, further into my depression. I haven't forgotten what I intend to do, in fact when I haven't been sleeping or crying, I've been planning. I know what I'm going to do now, to escape this misery I call my life, but first I need to go home. I need to do this in my own home, the only place I was ever truly happy. The woods. But to that means having to get through this first, I'll have to go to the funeral.

The funeral. I've been to too many funerals in my mere 17 years of existence; I've mourned too many beings. The first was my fathers, were we watched his coffin alongside many other miners be plunged into the soil. There was nothing in it, nothing in the simple wooden box held together with glue and nails. They never found his body. Charred remains yes, body claiming to be his no. The next was the victory tour, its own 22 funerals all for my eyes. The second games left the anthem being the funeral for those lives spared to save me. When I traveled through the remains of district 12 a funeral came before my eyes, when I found out Madge's fate I mourned once again. And then there's war. Countless lives lost, countless funerals attended. One goodbye to everyone. But I still missed the one that counted the most. Prims. I said my mother was weak for leaving, but I did the same. I ran. I missed my goodbye to Prim and I'll always regret it. But I'm not going to miss this one.

So I get up. I show signs of life, I wash, I dress, I eat, and I clean. I keep myself busy until the time comes when I must leave. And for 2 hours of my life I'm able to think of anything other than pain. But then the time comes.

THUD! I nearly jump out of my skin as the noise takes away my thoughts.

"Ya decent sweetheart… it's time," I listen to him intently looking for any signs of insobriety in his voice. Since he seems pretty sober I decide its fine to venture outside into the world once again. I sigh. It's funny how Haymitch never ceases to amaze me, even at times like this. Since we came here he's been sober, I don't know why but it's like he feels actual remorse and does truly care about my well-being. Maybe he's been told to in case I go completely of the rails again, or maybe he can't bear to see me like this. Probably the former. He's never liked me only ever tolerated me because of our alikeness.

I realise I've been wringing my hands since I heard his voice, forcing myself to stop I stand up dressed in my appropriate mourning clothes. Unfortunately, the mockingjay is still expected to look the part so my clothes have not been my choice. Cinna may be gone now but his designs for me have lived on. And I am dressed from head to toe in one of his last masterpieces, all black.

I feel numb as I open the door, the pain having returned to me as it dawns on me what I'm about to witness. I must look bad because Haymitch is looking at me with such pity, and as we make our way along the hallway of my mother's borders all I can see are sympathetic eyes that make me want to scream. Only I don't.

I manage to hold it together the whole journey there. But as we walk through the doors that keep my mother's life I can no longer take it. Not caring that this room is full of people I don't know, I fall in front of her casket, sobbing uncontrollably. I don't understand why I feel this way, we were never close but she was the only family I had left and now she's gone. Leaving me all alone. _You'll be with them soon Katniss… _that dreaded voice reminds me.

After what seems like forever I'm finally pulled into my seat so the ceremony can begin, I feel all eyes on me and it dawns on me that this is the first time I've seen an actual human besides Haymitch. Right on cue Haymitch steps forward to the front of the group of people gathered, clutching a small piece of paper. The eulogy. I was supposed to deliver it I realise, but my sobbing fit obviously proved I wasn't capable. I can't find it in me to mind. As Haymitch drones on I try to focus on his words, he talks about her family as a child, how she met my father, her 2 loving daughters who she always cared for and loved. He doesn't mention her depression. After about 5 minutes of listening to him stretch the truth I zone out. I can't listen to any more lies, because lies I've realised are all I'm given.

Lost in my train of thought I don't even realise when everybody stands up to go outside; that is until I'm pushed forward.

"What the hell Haymitch," I state irritably.

I turn around to snap at him but what I find or rather who I find, takes me by surprise.

"Err do I look like a 50 something alcoholic to you, brainless?" It's Johanna. It makes me feel guilty but I'd forgotten about her. The last I heard about her was when she failed her star squad qualifier test back in district 13. It's hard to believe that only 5 months ago we were roommates.

Squinting to make sure my eyes aren't playing tricks on me I say. "Well sorry maybe you shouldn't go around barging into people!" It comes out harsher than I intended.

She shrugs. "Only way to get you attention, you looked miles away. What is it boy trouble again?" she laughs.

My whole body tenses and I become ridged. Clenching my teeth together I reply stiffly. "No."

"Oh so you've chosen between them have you? Oh wait no I forgot they both got fed up and left you for good…"

I stalk of not wanting anymore contact with her. She'd obviously recovered from her weaknesses once again, were was the nicer Johanna, the real Johanna, the one she'd started to let me see. The war made her disappear; she'd vanished along with everyone else. Faded away until she'd lost herself once more.

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_I walk along the thin roads through the meadow, lacing my fingers through the leaves of the trees as I go. Suddenly two paths reveal themselves to me, both leading as far away from the over as it can get. One completely mesmerizes me, a path full of woods, their sweet scent so near, complete with arrows on the floor leading me to their direction. The bird whistle and the leaves rustle inviting me in. The other leading towards town, the smell of bread fills my nostrils making my mouth water. Crumbs lead me on a trail down towards the pleasure. _

_Choose." Is all I hear. "Choose now or they will close up and you won't be able to reach either of them again," _

_I'm torn. The leaves whisper my name calling me as does the wind surrounding the bread._ _I'm too distraught to_ think.

"_I can't." I choke out._

_And then the wind picks up wafting away the scent of the bread and shedding the trees of their leaves, I see the whirlwind heading towards them. I'm going to lose both._

"_NO!" I scream. "Stop! I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry…" Crying I hope it's not too late, but when I look up. There gone._

I wake drenched in sweat and fear. Why now? I think. I haven't had one of those types if nightmares since…since…

I can't even remember.

My pounding head tells me I was screaming, I'm only grateful that I'm finally back in the comfort of my own bedroom, because I know that if I was still in '4' sharing a flat with Haymitch, I would never live this down.

Mentally giving myself a slap I think, there not worth it. You haven't seen either of them since the end of the war. You can't even remember your last meetings with either. They don't want you to remember, you're not allowed to remember, if you do it will only cause pain. But that reminder doesn't stop me from wishing I could remember. Everything to do with the war is a haze.

Prim. I'm going to be with Prim. I'm going to be with my father, mother, Finnick, Rue. Everyone I love will be with me. _Except them._

"No…" I growl at myself. I don't love them, they don't care about me. If they did they'd be here. But there not. And I have to keep telling myself this. Because the alternative would be unbearable. Knowing that they're not here because I hurt them both so badly would hurt me almost as much as Prims death. So I'll keep telling myself that they don't care, because they can't. Can they? It doesn't even matter.

I don't care about them.

* * *

I stumble half-halfheartedly towards the woods. Already having consumed half of the disgusting drink I swiped off Haymitch. It scalds my throat as I take swig after swig, leaving a bitter existence looming long after it's disappeared. It wouldn't be worth it if it didn't lessen the pain. As I approach the harmless wire, I take a deep breath. I stare beyond the trees and grass, searching, hoping for something. Anything.

And I see it. If I was drunk before I'm definitely sober now.

I haven't been able to step into the woods since I came back. My hazardous memories tell me I've been here before. Waiting on the edge, willing them to come back to me. But they never have. That is until now. Something stirs inside me and I'm suddenly overcome with desperate need to return to them. My feet obey and in a matter seconds I'm on the over side of the fence. The serenity of the woods is intact and I feel just like that 12 year old girl once again.

The woods have always been my second home. Right from the first time when I was just a small girl hanging onto her father's hand as they trekked through this forbidden treasure, full of spirit, possibilities and happiness. When he died I believed my fondness of the woods died with him because every turn I took in them reminded me of him so I couldn't stand to be in them anymore. But then hunger overtook me, my family on the brink of death and Peeta, the boy with the bread reminded me. He reminded me of the hope, the hope that the woods brought to my life. He saved me without even knowing it.

I was naïve. Because when I next stepped foot into the woods all those feelings rushed back. My second home was dead. But I survived through them for the sake of my mother and Prim. I suffered through constant reminders of his death, and all the colour of the woods drained from my vision. But then one day someone brought the entire colour of the woods back into my eyes. They helped me fall in love with them again. They resurrected my second home.

Gale. I plunge my palm into my eyes to stop the tears escaping as I remember the first words we exchanged.

"_What's your name?"_

"_Katniss"_

"_Well Catnip, stealing's punishable by death, or hadn't you heard?"_

"_Katniss and I wasn't stealing it. I just wanted to look at your snare. Mine never catch anything…"_

I can still picture the scowl he gave me clear as day inside my head. I should be angry seeing his face, but instead it just saddens me that I'll never see that scowl again.

My feet have now automatically found its way to my rock (I can't let myself think about it being ours). I take a big swig from my almost empty bottle, trying to blot out any memories I have of Gale. It works but unfortunately my mind wanders elsewhere. To Peeta.

"_She has no idea the effect she can have."_

"_I remember everything about you."_

"_I wonder how she'll make her mind up."_

"_Stay with me." "_Always_."_

That last memory stings a little as I remember that he's not with me. Anger fills inside of me, mainly aimed at Peeta though I don't know why. And then I remember what he did to me. Or more accurately what I did to him. The overwhelment at this breakthrough in my memory panics me. Why am I remembering this? I don't want to remember this. I don't want to remember that Peeta hates me. I drown myself in alcohol to throw it away. To lock it up and never open it again, that's what I want. And my mind allows it. _For now. _That voice informs me, but I barley have time to register what it means when my drunken effects take over.

First the retching poisons my taste with a sickly acidic substance that escapes my lips. Then my vision blurs and movement becomes impossible. The trees around me burst into flames and their ashes fall to the ground. I feel naked and exposed as the woods that have protected me for so long disappear and I'm left, a girl sitting on a lone rock surrounded by endless grass. And then there I am, weapon less as they all charge forward hissing my name, all faces contorted in anger, all fighting to get to me, to kill me.

_Cato, Clove, Glimmer, Thresh, Rue and all the other tributes from my first games appear to my right all desperate to end my life. To my left stands all the victors that entered the quell each clutching a weapon of some sort, angrily hissing my name. I hear a piercing scream and instantly turn round to see a blonde waterfall of hair being yanked every single direction, towards Finnick, Cinna, Snow, Coin, Haymitch, Effie, Johanna, Beetee, Plutarch, Annie, my prep team all trying to finish of my baby sister. But then she sees me, yelling my name she runs towards me followed by the rest. A knife appears in her hands and she lunges forward to my throat as the rest do the same. Shrieking I run the only direction not bombarded with my attackers. Only to end up facing them. Peeta and Gale. I try to turn around but see that I'm now surrounded, their all closing in and I feel so dizzy I'm about to faint. I cower away from them as they all get ready, weapons poised. I'm only able to let two words tumble out of my mouth as they fall on top of me._

"_I'm sorry…"_

And then my world goes black.

* * *

"Katniss…Katniss wake up." Is all I hear as I awake groggily, then the whole world seems to shake as I'm lifted of my feet. My eyelids flutter open to find everything distorted. The trees in the woods are upside down and moving, the whole world is upside down.

I can see the chain link drawing nearer and a figure that I can't make out waiting beside it. The blackness is creeping up on me again when I hear it.

"Gale, thank god you found her…" Peeta. The rest of his words are mumbled and hazy as all I think is.

Peeta and Gale. Gale and Peeta. Here together, what is going on?

Peeta. Gale.

And then the darkness finds me.

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**Hehee. See i told you they'd appear. Please review and i hope you liked it.**


	4. Answers

**A/N Hi guys im so sorry that havent updated in ages but this is now the longest chapter i have written do far. Enjoy!**

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I'm blinded by the bright light that escapes through the thin sheet of curtains that surround me. My hands and feet are chained to the familiar bed frame that stands alone in my room, and if it wasn't for that reassurance that I was in my own bedroom I'd think I was back in the insanity ward of district 13. My memories are a jumble as they usually is, but today there's a searing pain cruising through my head, my mind throbs as I try to remember yesterday's activities. I stay unable to move for what seems like hours, lost in thought. All I can remember is alcohol. Lots of alcohol, I hit my head in frustration at my memory loss, I shouldn't be surprised really, and my inability to remember was just another thing that the war cost me. Oh sure I remember some it's weird how I can remember bits but not everything, I never really understood what it feels like to not remember big chunks of your life, that was until it happened to me. Today is different though, I feel like something important happened yesterday, something I need to remember. I sigh knowing it will come to me eventually, until then though all I can do is wonder why I'm trapped to my own bed. I contemplating calling out for Haymitch as he's probably the only one who could have done this. My throbbing head groans inwardly to me and sleepiness wins out against curiosity as I drift back into blurriness.

* * *

The next time awake I sense a difference in the room. The door is wide open as opposed to it being tightly closed, and in the corner of the room were my hunting boots call home is a single wooden chair. By the dent in the cushion placed on top I can see it's recently been used. But why? Surely Haymitch hasn't been sitting here watching me sleep for goodness sake. Has he? It doesn't make any sense but before I can ponder it too much my hunter's senses are awakened by a beep coming from downstairs. It's vaguely familiar even though I can't recall where I recognize the sound from. My mind seems to drift off to what seems like another life as the memory it brings with it pulls me up short.

_It was about a week after I got back from the games. My mother and Prim were so happy with our new life, they loved being able to have things they could never of dreamed of before. Prims face lit up every time a new treat was produced for her, possessions she could call her own. My mother was equally as pleased with the new range of food she could experiment with, herbs and spices were luxuries that even the mayor of district 12 could rarely afford. She may not have been an amazing cook like Hazelle Hawthorne but she was like another little kid running round the kitchen cooking and playing with all the new equipment we could now have. I'd never seen her so happy since my father died, it almost brought a smile to my face. Then that day a parcel was delivered to us, courtesy of President Snow the card read. My face turned white when I found out, I was sure it was another evil trap, something that could harm Prim or my mother. Apparently it was called a microwave. I'd never heard of it before but Haymitch explained it all to us._

"_It's an oven; you know that you cook food in. Only it can do it in 5 minutes, heat anything from an entire turkey to just a small slice of bread all ready to eat. Then and there," he'd said._

_I was still not entirely convinced that there wasn't something lurking inside ready to kill us, but the look of excitement on Prims face was enough for me to relent and allow a trial run to this weird piece of equipment. We agreed on heating up a loaf of bread and all eagerly awaited the outcome still unsure of what would happen. We set the timer to 1 minute and stood waiting, watching._

_The time was going down by the second._

_5_

_4_

_3_

_2_

_1_

_BEEP!_

_I sprang into action, instantly convinced this was a bomb ready to end our lives. I was so quick I surprised myself and within a matter of minutes I'd dragged my family out onto the safe grass area at least 20 metres away from the inevitable blast. Only it didn't come. Prim and my mother were in fits of laughter at my reaction, but I was full of anger and hatred. This was Snow's gift. The reminder that he could always get to me, he could always endanger my family, he could and would always control me. It was then and there that I decided this microwave was not to be used, not to be touched but just to be there. I had to show Snow that I wasn't scared, that he couldn't get to me. But I was scared._

And yet here it is again, that beep reminding me of Snow's everlasting hold over me, how he will never leave me because he haunts me; my nightmares are proof of that. But then it hits me. How did the beep go of? Is someone in my house? Are they in my kitchen right now? Surely it can't be Haymitch; he knows how I feel about that microwave, as stupid as it is. He wouldn't do that to me, would he? Suddenly I'm nervous, who is this intruder? My cuffs and shackles prevent me from exploring, not that I want to. I still don't know why or who did this to me but I must have done something pretty awful to wind up like this. My mind is still curious to find out who is downstairs right now as I call out.

"Hello…is anyone there?" My voice croaks out in the tiniest whisper I can muster up. My throat screams with the vibrations of speech, I feel like I haven't spoken in years, it's as if my throat needs to learn how to talk again. Although I doubt anyone could have heard me I still listen out for a response to my question. Nothing.

And then the shuffling of feet fills my ears. Someone is down there! I'm starting to panic now, straining my chains, trying to free myself with all the fight left inside of me. Which of course isn't an awful lot. Defeated I slump back into the mattress when I notice something, attached to the hook at the end of bed is a key. My first smug smile in months tugs at my lips but then disappears as quickly as it came as I remember the situation. Whoever is keeping me locked up like this obviously isn't very smart otherwise they wouldn't of left a tool to break me out of these locks in my reach, or maybe they just didn't expect me to realise it was there. My fumbling fingers start to reach towards my freedom but of course the jokes on me, my hands can't move. _Ahh…_ I think to myself. I have underestimated this annoyance, but nevertheless I am resourceful and my toes provide excellent transport for the key to unlock the one chain holding everything together. This time I allow the smug smile to stay on my face for a few seconds before returning back to my determined composure. My bones feel weak as brittle as I stand from the bed, stealthily I creep along the hallway and slowly make my way downstairs. Still suffering from the after effects of alcohol I stop to catch myself before I fall when I hear voices. Two male voices seem to be coming from the kitchen; I'm too far away to make out what they're saying though. Now I feel silly, it must be Haymitch I just wonder who he could possibly have with him. I call out now expecting to meet some weird stranger as I make my way to the kitchen.

"Haymitch, why was I all locked up? And who's in there with you?" The previous croak in my voice has disappeared and I even sound bitter as I say it. But to be fair I am very annoyed about being chained to my bed, who Haymitch thinks he is I don't know.

But as I enter the kitchen I see that it's not Haymitch in my house and these two people are very far from strangers. Because my gaze falls upon Peeta's shocked one and Gale's knowing one.

It all suddenly comes flooding back to me. Going to the woods, getting drunk, I was going to be with Prim and everyone else. But then something stopped me. I remember being lifted up into unknown arms, seeing a figure but the fence and then Peeta's words. Then the darkness that overtook me.

I stand there frozen in my spot for what seems like eternity, to shell-shocked to move or say anything. They seem to feel the same way although I don't know why; they are in my house after all. But then Gale breaks the silence.

"Surprised to see us Catnip?" he smirks.

The reality of my nickname is all it takes; he has no right to call me that, not anymore. I lunge at him nails ready as I begin to claw at his face; I know Gale already knew what I was going to due to his suddenly ridged body. Of course he did, he knows me better than anyone and as much as I wish he didn't, still does. I'm surprised as he doesn't do anything to stop it though; he just takes my attack not even wincing as blood drips down his face onto his shirt, maybe he thinks he deserves it. But Peeta sees the good in everyone and obviously believes Gale does not deserve this vicious attack as he prises my kicking and screaming body of him. Gale stands there motionless with sad, hurt eyes that make me want to take him in my arms and tell him everything's okay. He was obviously on to something when he said I can't stand seeing him in pain. But I can't do that, not anymore so I scream.

"Why are you here? I don't want you here! JUST GET OUT!" But Gale doesn't move. "DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME LEAVE!" I scream at him again.

I'm still struggling against Peeta's strong grasp but I somehow manage to break out of his hold and turn my anger towards him.

"And you," I point straight at him. "You can leave as well, just go away and don't come back. EVER!" They both still haven't got the message though but one final scream is all it takes to make them reluctantly leave through the door and stumble away.

Once there out of sight I go back into the living area and curl up on the floor, my head in my heads. Then I let the tears fall. What starts out to be a few small sobs turns out to be uncontrollable crying with tears spouting so often that my vision becomes clouded. For so long now I've tried and failed to bury the sadness I feel under everything, I didn't think it had worked but obviously it had. Because just seeing their faces again has just made the already unbearable pain ten times worse. And yet even though I've tried to relinquish their memories for so long it seems my brain wants to keep on torturing me as deep down I truly wish could just have them both back again.

* * *

I sit trying cry myself dry for what seems like forever before I sense footsteps approaching me, I tense for a moment before I realise that this time it is Haymitch as he calls out.

"Sweetheart, where are you we need to talk." I don't reply though my sobbing is easily detectable and in a matter of seconds his is beside me with his arm around my shoulder.

"Oh sweetheart," he starts his voice just a murmur above the noises I'm producing. "I'm sorry. I thought it would help, I thought they would help…" He trails of and I realise what he's just said.

"You…You knew?" Is all I can choke out.

"I invited them," he whispers.

I pull away from him wanting to scream, but for some reason I can't bring myself too.

"W…wwh…why?" I stutter.

"You didn't really think I didn't know what you were up to did you? I may be a drunk but even I know that bottles of liquor don't just disappear into thin air…" he doesn't finish. "I'm sorry," I can feel the sorrow and regret in his words and force myself not to be too hard on him. Maybe he honestly thought it would help.

"It's just so hard… when I look at them I'm reminded of all the pain and yet I still miss them," My tears are starting to subside as I form my first full sentence; obviously I've succeeded in crying myself dry.

"I know sweetheart, believe me I do but cut them some slack they only want to help," I know he means this sincerely but it angers me. Why is Haymitch defending them? I mean I know he always liked Peeta but he never really got to know Gale, did he? This just doesn't sound like him.

"Why are you defending them Haymitch?" I hiss. "They both left me when I needed them most!" My voice is rising now but Haymitch stays surprisingly calm as he says.

"Listen Sweetheart, I know what they have both done to has hurt you a lot but if I'm correct by the end of the war you were a stop a way from crazy Ville, you don't know what went on, you still don't. You memory's a mess and it's not my place to fix it," I contemplate what he's just said trying to figure the double meaning I know is there.

"When you said before that they just want to help me you didn't mean with my memory did you?" He doesn't say anything and I'm beyond frustrated now my tears long gone. "Haymitch tell me what you know!" I'm screaming now.

"I don't know anything," but I can read between the lines and suddenly I'm on my feet.

The answers I've been looking for, they have them. They can fill in my memory blanks. I mean I don't know anything, nothing at all about the end of the war and what happened. All I have are my dreams and frankly I can't tell if there just my imagination or not. But why does it have to be them? Well I know the answer to that, there basically all that's left of my old life, there the only ones that were nearly with me the whole way. And as much as I don't want to I need to find them, if I can remember then all my prayers will be answered no matter how much the truth will hurt I can't go on like this. And if there's a remote chance that my memory can become whole again I'm going to take it. May as well, what have I go to lose.

"Haymitch where are they!" I plead with him. I'm astonished at how badly I want to find them now whereas just a few hours ago I wanted the out of my life for good.

"You asked for them to go, they respected that, the train comes in 10 minutes to take them back to district 2…" I don't even hear the rest of his sentence as I bolt out the door.

It's what I wanted but I'm surprised that actually are going through with it. I would have thought they would be a lot more stubborn than to leave at the first sign of trouble. Gale especially. _Why do you think that is Katniss? _That voice asks me. I growl at myself this isn't about them, I'm not forgiving either of them this is simply about my memory nothing else, I won't let it be.

Haymitch's words ring in my ears. "Back to district 2…" Why district 2? I remember Greasy Sae saying Gale lived there but not Peeta, surely there not there together are they? My mind travels back to when I heard the voices in the kitchen, it sounded like laughter. They couldn't be friends could they? That would be absurd. They despised each other didn't they? But then it hits me, I don't even know; it had never really been discussed apart from the odd comment and they had been fairly civil. It's hazy but a new memory suddenly springs to mind. I remember waking up but not where I was, then I heard voices; Gale and Peeta talking about me I'm sure of it. Something about surviving and a choice, was it between them? They could have been friend if it wasn't for me, and maybe now that I haven't been around they have become friends. It unnerves me to think this though I don't know why.

Still focused on the task at hand I run into the station. I can see the train fast approaching but the platform is too crowded to spot them, even with Gale's height. Luckily though I am recognised as the mockingjay and suddenly hoisted into the air. The place erupts in cheers and usually I would be annoyed but I can see them now. Side by side at the far end of the platform, their too far away to call out to so I jump down and start running. It's me against the train as its phenomenal speed catches up with me in a matter of seconds. They still haven't noticed me but I keep on running because I know if they get on this train I won't have the guts to go after them. I come to a halt a few feet away with their backs towards me. I feel the urge to scream at them again but supress it, I need answers. They turn around mouths open as I call out.

"So run at the first sign of trouble, do you?"

This time its Peeta to break the silence. "But you said…"

I cut him off. "I know what I said and I meant every word of it…" their faces fall. "But I need answers and you're the only ones who can give them to me." I turn around motioning them to follow me. "Well come on then,"

As they follow me out of the train station, gobsmacked I can only imagine the weeks of heartbreak and torture that I'm sure is to follow.

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**A/N Thanks for reading i hope you like it. I wasn't sure how the reunion should go so i hope i did it justice. please review!**


	5. Arkwardness

**A/N Yes I know you hate me for not updating for nearly a month! But I have my reasons, a major family crisis and a crashed computer aren't very easy to fix. So I'm very truly sorry and hope you haven't all lost faith in me. Now onto my next apology, due to losing all my work just a week ago, this chapter is very short as I really wanted to give you guys something to read. I have decide on shorter chapters from now on but more frequent updates. **

**So without further ado I give you chapter 5...**

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I've never liked my victor's village house. I call it a house because it's definitely not my home; my real home was destroyed in the destruction of district 12. My real home is where my father lived. Mother and Prim were thrilled with our new living arrangements once I came home safe from the games, they loved the luxurious décor and how you could have warmth and hot water at the tip of your fingers. But not me. I hated it, still do in fact. It was just another reminder of how my life was so different now and how it would always be. But even so, never not once did I feel awkward in this house as I do now. Because right now sitting on this sofa opposite two faces I never thought I'd see again let alone invite them to stay is the most awkward I have ever felt. Somehow my anger has disappeared and I do not feel the urge to scream at them all over again, no now I'm just left exhausted, awkward and want to run away from this weirdest of situations; I honestly don't know which is worse. It feels like we've been sitting staring at one another for what seems like hours, it's like there's so much I want to know but I just can't put it into words. I sigh and avert my eyes from their watchful gazes, why did I ever think was I good idea? I realize they are waiting for me to do something, to start of the conversation. Waiting just as they both always have, waiting for me and my decisions. I feel powerless and outnumbered and I know straight away that this won't work; I can't do this with them united against me as weird as it sounds. I need them one by one, I need them separately not together to be able to open up to either and I need them by themselves to get my true answers. When I finally do gain the courage to speak my voice comes out like a wrangled cry, my sudden dose of reality having swiped away the voice I received in the train station.

"You can go and find your rooms," I opt for the easy way out as I'm not quite ready to get too deep into anything yet. I prepare to add more to my sentence but they rise almost immediately obviously finding this situation as bizarre and awkward as I am. I allow myself to breathe a sigh of relief as they file out when Peeta turns to me.

"Thankyou for allowing me to stay here Katniss," the sincerity abundant in his tone. "I would have stayed in my own home but that is now occupied with some residents from district 13…" I know he wants to say more but he senses this isn't the right time and I'm grateful for that, he leaves without another word and a small smile, which I don't return.

Once I'm sure they're both safely hidden behind the bedroom doors I grab a piece of paper and a pencil and flee to the woods.

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I decide to perch in a tree rather than the rock for fear of memories clouding my thoughts,

WHAT I KNOW – THE WAR IS OVER. ALL MY CREW DIED EXCEPT ME, GALE AND PEETA. PEETA WAS HIJACKED. HE HATED ME. HE HATES ME? GALE AND I WENT TO FIND SNOW. GALE WAS CAPTURED. HE WANTED ME TO SHOOT HIM, I DIDN'T. I WATCHED PRIM DIE. SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. SHE WAS KILLED BY A BOMB. GALE DESIGNED THE BOMB? GALE KILLED PRIM? BLANK!

That's my last war related memory, finding out from Snow that the rebels dropped the bomb therefore meaning Gale was at fault for Prim's death. After that I hit a wall, one that doesn't open up until the day I started to plan Prim's memorial (even though I was too depressed to do anything much) back in district 12. I sigh and then write.

WHAT I NEED TO KNOW – WHAT HAPPENED AFTER MY MEETING WITH SNOW? WHAT HAPPENED TO PEETA? WHY DID GALE TAKE OFF? WHO IS IN CHARGE NOW? WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I notice night setting in as the sun starts to disappear and hastily fold up my list and hold onto it as tightly as possible to ensure I don't lose it and slowly make my way back to the awkwardness.

As I'm walking home I try to formulate a plan inside my head, how am I going to approach this without getting myself worked up and angry again. That won't help in the slightest even if really do feel the need to scream at them, I need to keep my walls up, void of any emotion. I was going to do that anyway, I don't have to open up to them at all; I just need my answers and then they can leave, simple. _HA! You wish. _The voice laughs at me. I blot it out though and repeat over and over again in my head. _It's not them you need, it's the _answers. You're not going to get close to either, this is strictly business and then you never have to see them again. I also need them separated so I can talk to each of them individually, that will be hard considering neither actually need to be anywhere. But maybe Peeta could go see Haymitch and Gale may decide to visit the woods. Yes I think to myself, this could work and fast.

But as I enter through the door, my nose runs straight toward the dining room into the smell of food. And there it is set out in front of me, three plates full of steaming beef, vegetables and gravy, 2 people expectantly looking towards me and me, one person silently fuming as I take my place thinking.

They're not going to make this easy for me.

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**A/N Thanks for reading and I hoped you enjoyed the chapter, again sorry for it being short. I will try to update again as soon as possible. Please review, favourite and follow.**


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